13 January 2006

I guess I should be happy

I avoided the January layoffs again. For ABM, that is great news. For me, not so much. I just don't want to be here. To be fair, this is an almost stress-free place to work. If my last job was like being bi-polar and unmedicated, this place is like having blue skies and a steady supply of lithium. I feel stupid even complaining to myself about this job, yet I don't want to be here. It's no use telling myself that there are people in the world who have worse problems--I still don't want to be here. Never mind that we have a stack of bills to pay and ABM can't handle them on his salary alone--I still don't want to be here.

I can hear my Christian friends right now telling me to take it to God in prayer. Been there, done that. This is where God wants me to be and He will let me know when it is time for me to leave. Knowing that I am following God's plan for my life should give me peace, but instead I just feel trapped. Working allows me to bring in a much-needed paycheck, but it is a time-suck that saps my energy for everything else. On top of feeling trapped, I feel guilty. What makes me think that I am too good to work for a living? Why should God rescue me from working instead of the woman in the next cubicle?

Every day I feel like I am shortchanging my kids and my efforts to keep up with everything going on in their lives feels piecemeal. You know what my biggest fear is? They won't get into college and they will have to live the life that I am living right now. I want my girls to be able to stay home with their kids. If they want to work, I want them to be able to have careers instead of just jobs. I'm not expecting them to be wealthy, but comfortable enough to hire some help every once in a while if they need it.

Enough already! I am typing this at work and it is making me cry. Bursting into tears in a room full of compassionate Christian women is not the best thing to do when you are trying to keep a low profile. I knew I should have downloaded that "Avenue Q" soundtrack this morning -- it would have cheered me up.
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