My Exercise Paradox

 (I spent more time than I should have, trying to figure out if "paradox" was the correct word to use in this instance. I'm not 100% sure, but I'm using it, anyway.)

One of the big symptoms of multiple sclerosis is fatigue, and the main suggestion to help manage it is to exercise regularly. Even before my diagnosis, I never was a person who got energy from exercise, even after sticking to a routine for several months. Right now, I barely have the energy to walk to the bathroom and back, so how am I supposed to exercise? 

We went on our family vacation over the Labor Day weekend, and walking through the airport nearly took me out. I did my best to keep up with everyone and not complain, but my husband ABM ended up getting me a wheelchair to get through the airport on the way back. After that experience, I told myself that I would make more of an effort to improve my fitness before the next trip. Now that I have recovered from the crud I caught on vacation, I should be ready to start an exercise routine. In reality, I don't even have the energy to keep myself fed. 

Despite the urge to lay in bed and feel sorry for myself, I will be walking in place beside my bed while I watch TV with my hubby this evening. It's not much, but I have to start somewhere, right?

Prepping for a new month

A post shared by Dani (@daniinnc) on Sep 30, 2017 at 1:46pm PDT

After a week of dealing with heavy fatigue (at one point, I could barely drag myself to the kitchen for food), I woke up today and was determined to get some housecleaning done, at least to the extent that my still-limited energy level would allow. While cleaning, I realized that tomorrow is 01 Oct, and you know me -- I love making a fresh start at the beginning of the week or the month. The first of the month being on a Sunday makes it a double whammy in my mind. There is also something about autumn that says "renewal" to me, probably because (at least here in the southern US) it is starting to cool off and tackling the bigger chores is easier to envision when we are no longer having 90-degree days.

So as I'm sitting down to rest in between chores, I'm preparing for the new month in various ways:

• I'm reviewing the 30-day Foundation fitness program for beginners on HASfit. I've been doing their videos for most of September, but I fell off the wagon during the past week.
• As you may be able to tell from the photo above, I'm prepping my October calendar in my bullet journal. When I started using it in December 2016, I didn't think I had enough going on to use a bullet journal. Now that I'm juggling classes, exercise, and stitching projects, I'm starting to see how the"bujo" can be useful to me.
• I'm updating my SHE box. I stopped using it towards the end of May when I was feeling more in control of the housework. Unfortunately, that sense of being overwhelmed is creeping in again, so it is the SHE box to the rescue!

I've been exercising and using my bullet journal for over a month, which I'm taking as a good sign that I may be able to make these habits stick. Hopefully adding the SHE box into the mix isn't too much. 

Do any of you feel that sense of renewal in the fall? What do you do to make a fresh start for the month or the season?

Back to school time!

My community college did a big reorganization that took effect this fall semester. They discontinued five programs of study, including mine (Web Technologies), and created several more. This meant that I had to pick a new major since I wouldn't be able to finish by the end of the spring semester. Yes, I know I have been taking classes for a while and should have graduated by now, but between financial issues, working full time for a while, and classes filling up quickly, I wasn't able to.

I became interested in medical billing and coding a few years ago, but my college didn't have an associate's degree track for that program of study. So I continued with the Web Technologies major even after I realized that I didn't have the creativity or the math skills to be a web developer. I think this happens with a lot of students; once you've gone so far, you are afraid to switch gears and basically start over.

Luckily for me, the college took the decision out of my hands. I had to pick a new major. I went online to switch over to Digital Media, which was the new degree track that was closest to my old major, when I discovered that in the reorganization the college had added an associate's degree in Medical Office Admin -- Billing and Coding. Huzzah!

So I picked up my books today and tomorrow I will start digging into my coursework.  Yes, it feels like I am starting back at the beginning, but I don't think that my past classes were a waste of time. In addition to having all my remedial math and general education classes out of the way, I feel like I've learned how to avoid distractions and get the most out of the coursework, which is a challenge when taking online classes. I'm determined to start this semester off on the right foot. Wish me luck!

Facebook is out for me -- at least for now

Over the last month, my Facebook feed has become uncomfortable for me to read. The political posts are crowding out the lifestyle posts more and more. Even people whose posts are normally about kids and vacations began sharing their political views. I thought it would calm down once the presidential election was decided, but instead, it heated up. The most unexpected occurrence was that my more liberal friends, in an effort to show how bad the Trump supporters are, started sharing the most awful posts they had seen from the opposition. As a result, my feed became filled with sickening racist garbage. I felt like I was trapped in the middle of a street with the busy traffic of angry words coming at me from both sides. So I decided to stop checking in with Facebook for a while.

It has only been three days since I deleted the Facebook app from my mobile devices and stopped checking it on my laptop. I wish I could say I don't miss it, but I do. Several times a day, I have the urge to post something about a movie I watched or a book I read. I miss seeing posts from my online pals about what they cooked for dinner or where they went for date night. As much as I disliked Facebook at first, it has become my place to interact with people and break up the isolation of being home alone for several hours every day.

I will probably post here and on my book blog more often while I am waiting for everyone on Facebook to calm down and go back to normal, but I know it won't be the same. Nobody really reads my blog so writing here feels more like shouting into the wind; there is no interaction. Still, I need someplace to offload all my thoughts or I will go mad, so this will have to do :-).

Less stitching, more cooking, and other nonsense

We are couple days into February, and I am already trying to talk myself back into my year-long afghan square project. The first crochet square for January went fine, but instead of going on and doing the second January crochet square I thought I should make a start on my knit afghan square. Not only did I make a royal screw-up of the pattern, but it also hurt my hands so much that I haven't even looked at yarn since I posted the square-in-progress two weeks ago. For now at least, crochet seems to be easier on my hands than knitting. I feel like such a quitter dropping the knitted squares this early in the year, but I know myself. If I force myself to finish the knitted January square before I move on to anything else, then I will just keep putting it off and not get anything done. So for now, I'm setting the 2015 Block-A-Month Knit-along aside and moving forward with the crocheted squares.

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This week I've spent some quality time with my slow cooker on both of my days off.  I think I'm cooking to avoid my homework because I can't think of a premise for my project! At any rate, today I am trying my hand at making congee, which is an Asian rice porridge that you can dress up with any manner of flavorings. ABM accidentally made something similar when he tried to make chicken and rice soup and the kids enjoyed it, so I figured I should try making it on purpose.

C1 has expressed an interest in cooking her meals ahead for the week. I explained to her the concept of once-a-month cooking, and we may end up trying it. I tried it once 15+ years ago with little success and I keep meaning to try it again now that I am more experienced in the kitchen. There are also more once-a-month cookbooks out with different recipes that may work better for me.

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It's been over a year since I started my current job. I am still fighting the blues, but I guess you could say I am making some progress. I've gone from being physically ill before every shift to being resigned to the fact that this is my life right now. Even after ABM finds a job, I won't be able to quit because we've got to dig ourselves out of debt. So my life now isn't about me being happy; it's about keeping my head up for my kids. After 21 years, I'm finally learning what it means to sacrifice for your children.

It's FAFSA time!

Most people are thinking about the big Super Bowl game, but for parents of high school seniors this is FAFSA time. When all of my pals in my parenting group started griping about filling out the FAFSA, I knew I couldn't put it off any longer. So I used my day off to get it done. With me and all three of my girls taking classes this fall, I had to fill it out four times. Luckily, I've done it several times before so it was difficult -- just tedious. This isn't the end, either. Since we haven't done our taxes yet, I had to use estimates for the financial information. I'll have to go back in and replace the estimates with proper numbers from the tax form once it is filed, but at least the estimates get the process going so that we can get financial aid offers from the schools. If I remember correctly from Maia's first year, we had all the offers in hand by May.

As for which schools the twins will be attending, it is almost narrowed down. C1 was accepted at NC A&T and NC Central, so she will probably be going to one of those two. C2 wasn't quite as proactive as her sister when it came to filling out applications, so she may end up going to Gaston College for a year or two and then transferring. I'll just be glad when summer comes around and we definitely know where everyone is going.

Reflection on the eve of a new year

This morning I woke up with the urge to write an end-of-year blog post. Even though nothing cool happened this year, I still felt that I should reflect on past events and see if there is something I want to focus on in the coming year. That's what adults do, right?

Foremost in my thoughts this year has been work and money. In January, I started a new customer service job that I do from home. I knew within two weeks that it wasn't for me, but I couldn't quit because shortly thereafter ABM lost his job. Not only that, but he was denied unemployment insurance so I've been the sole breadwinner for the first time in our marriage. The stress of it all has made me feel physically weighed down. I don't even want to leave the house most days. However, I have gone from fairly depressed to merely sad and resigned to my fate, which is an improvement.

I'm still taking online classes through the local community college, with the hope that I can transition into some sort of back-office computer job that does not involve me talking to customers. Battling that hope is the fear that all this studying will be for naught and I will be stuck in customer service jobs forever. I'm not sure that I will be able to shake that fear.

I shouldn't put the rest of my life on hold just because I don't like my job, yet that is exactly what I've been doing. Until about a month ago, I haven't been doing much more than sleeping and watching TV on my days off. There has been little to no exercising, needlework, blogging, gardening, or cooking. I've been letting the job suck the joy out of anything else I try to do.

To chase away the dark thoughts, I've been reminding myself of my blessings. The kids are all healthy, M and C1 both have jobs, and we still have a roof over our heads with food in the fridge. Everyone is getting good grades. ABM has managed not to fall into the depression that affects many unemployed people. These are all things to be thankful for, and I am. I need to keep these uppermost in my mind in 2015, and try to find the joy in my life again.

Getting back on the productivity track

Like a lot of Americans, I lead a sedentary lifestyle. My job involves sitting in front a computer for eight hours a day, my hobbies are all done sitting done, and I have three teenagers to handle the bulk of the household chores. Because I sit a lot, it doesn't take much for me to feel productive. Today, I marveled at the tasks I completed that barely qualify as work but that made me feel like I had gotten something done:

• I cleared all the junk off the three counters and the island in my kitchen.
• I went out and turned my compost heap.
• I swept my bedroom.
• I sent a voicemail comment to one of my favorite podcasts.
• I updated 18 apps on my iPad (that red number is finally gone!).

Even writing this blog post feels productive because I haven't blogged since January. I get such a positive hit from accomplishing little things that I often wonder if it stops me from doing bigger things. 

Getting in shape is a prime example. Last year it took me three months to lose 15 pounds. That is five pounds a month, which sounds healthy, right? Except that I was eating less than 1000 calories, taking diet pills and exercising every day to do it. Also, I saw no improvement in my body shape, my breathing, or my endurance at the end of that three months. I know all you fitness buffs out there are shouting, "You need to keep going!" Intellectually I know that I shouldn't expect instant gratification from the pursuit of better health. That doesn't stop me from feeling that diet and exercise is nothing but deprivation and sweat with no payoff, especially since many of the diets that other people try (low carb, Weight Watchers, etc.) don't budge the numbers on my scale at all.

A few months ago, I said that I was going to be happy with the the little goals I hit and not dwell so much on whatever I didn't do. I lost my way for a while (I got a new job I hate, while my husband lost his), but I realized I can't do anything about those setbacks so I might as well keep moving forward.

Tweak your history to help you meet your goals

I heard a segment on NPR today about editing your life's stories. It is only eight minutes long so I recommend that you go listen to it when you have time. The gist of the segment is that if you take a life event and write it down with a different twist to it, then it will help you make sense of it. Although the methods is mainly used for troubling events such as being really afraid of something or not having many friends in school, I immediately recognized that this is what I've been doing with some areas of my life and that I could apply it to some of the goals I've set in the past.

With exercise, I used to beat myself up every day that I didn't work out. This may motivate other people to get up and go to the gym, but it only gave me a reason to dislike myself. Now I flip the script and focus on every activity that got me off the sofa, whether it could traditionally be considered exercise or not. Did I do laundry? Great! Did I mop the bathroom floor? Good for me because it really needed to be done. Someone like me can easily spend eight hours at work sitting in front of a computer, come home and zap dinner in the microwave, spend four more hours sitting in front of the computer and television, and then go to bed. Getting up off my butt for anything is an achievement. I still don't exercise regularly, but since I've stopped beating myself up about what I "should" be doing I do move more.

This method of flipping the script is working for me in one area, but until I listened to the NPR story I didn't think of applying it to some of my other goals. You know, the type of resolutions you set at this time of year. One that immediately pops into my head is to read more books. I was the kid who always had her nose in a book, but that stopped when I got married and became a mother. I thought that starting a book blog and joining reading challenges would take me back to those days, but all it did was make me feel guilty about what I wasn't reading. That does not lead me back to the excitement of reading that I experienced in my youth. So instead of berating myself for not meeting my goal of reading 25 books in 2013, I am applauding myself for reading 19 books. That gets me revved up to try to do better this year.

What's the takeaway in all this? Instead of giving up on setting goals because I never reach them, I can aim for a goal and be happy when I make progress.

My 2014 is hitting the ground running

Even though the twins and I have birthdays in January, this is not usually a hectic month for me. December is when ABM and I stress out over what gifts to buy for Christmas, and we talk through what to do about the January and February birthdays while we are at it. By the time 01 Jan rolls around, our minds are on school starting back. The kids may have things going on at school and ABM may have worries at work, but my personal stress ends 25 Dec and usually doesn't show up again until school lets out in May. For me, this year will be a little different.

First off, there is a chance that I may have found a job. Actually it is more than a slim chance (like 95% of a chance), but I don't want to post much more about it now. I'm being superstitious and not wanting to jinx it before the paperwork is finished. However, I know that if everything goes as planned I will start working in two weeks. This job is totally different from my past jobs so I am understandably nervous about it.

Second, my spring college semester starts on 08 Jan. I only got into three of the four classes that I wanted, but as it turns out that may work out to my advantage. I carried a full course load during the fall semester and it felt like like a full-time job. Plenty of people work and go to school full time, but I'm not sure if I can. I'm glad now that I've given myself some breathing room with one less class, especially since one of my classes is precalculus.

Third, ABM and I are taking a little getaway next week. It may sound like an odd time for a trip, but with the new job I won't be able to go on the family vacation in September. Plus, it is my birthday next week, so when ABM suggested a getaway I didn't complain!

To other people, this may sound like a regular month. For a house frau like me, it is a busy schedule. Everything is good, but it is all new and I get a bit anxious when there are changes to my routine.  The good thing about being almost 47 is I've learned that a little anxiety is healthy; it keeps me on my toes. I've been through enough new experiences now to know that I will  be fine when I come out on the other side of this.

Summer ends today, at least for me

Tomorrow is the start of the fall semester at our local community college, which means today is the end of my summer vacation. Unlike my first two semesters, I am registered for a full credit load this time around. The good thing is that, because I needed to take all online classes, I ended up with a staggered schedule. I am registered for six classes, but the most classes I will be taking at one time will be four and that doesn't start until mid-October.

As a parent I've always preferred the lazy days of summer because I don't have to worry about keeping the kids on a schedule and bugging them about their homework, and that still holds true. For me, though, I'm glad to see school start again. Working toward my degree will make me feel less guilty about the fact that I haven't found a job yet because at least I will be doing something that will improve my earning potential in the future. Don't get me wrong -- I'm still looking for work. I just want to have something useful to do in between putting in applications and waiting for the phone to ring.

This has been a rough summer for me in some ways, but it hasn't been all Sturm und Drang. Because our budget is tighter and I have more time on my hands, I've become much more comfortable in the kitchen. As a family, we've finally developed more a routine for the housework and on most days I wouldn't be embarrassed to have someone drop by unannounced. We finally paid off a long-standing debt. Despite some multiple sclerosis symptoms trying to get in my way, I'm exercising more often. The one fly in the soup of my life is the lack of a paycheck, and I'm hoping that won't be something I have to worry about much longer.

Another Roast Chicken Sunday

This is my third Sunday in a row making roast chicken. Since I still haven't gotten over my onion obsession, I altered the basic recipe a tad by stuffing a quartered onion in the cavity. I'm also going to stray from my usual plan for the leftovers. Instead of chicken and rice soup, I'm going to make chicken fried rice on Monday. My kids love Asian-inspired dishes, so I'm sure they won't mind.

Roasting a chicken may seem like a modern foodie thing to do, but it fits in with my retro sensibilities. Can't you see me with an apron on, bringing that chicken to the table? I want to reach back to the past and find out how housewives back then provided for their families. I know everything wasn't perfect then, but it seems that getting back to basics would be better for our health and our bank account.

In the early years of my marriage I fought to split household tasks equally, but the older I get the more I want to be "wifey". That doesn't mean I want my husband to make all the decisions and ignore my input; I'm not reaching that far back into the past. What I want to do is put my talents and interests to work in creating a comforting home, especially at this point in our lives when I have more time than money on my hands. What could be more "wifey" than getting two or even three meals out of one chicken?

The wisdom of creating a home office

M, my university student daughter, said to me recently, "This house makes me so unproductive!" When I asked her to elaborate, she explained that when she comes home for the summer, she has so many tasks that she wants to complete but the house sucks the life out of her -- not the people, but the actual configuration of the house. She can't find anywhere to sit that is comfortable enough for her to play her instrument, and with our open floor plan there is rarely a time when her clarinet playing wouldn't be disturbing someone or when their activities wouldn't be disturbing her.

When I started taking classes last year, I knew it would be best to move to another part of the house to study. My default spot is my bedroom, but that is associated with watching TV and sleeping. I wanted to get myself into work mode, so I moved all my gear into the living room on the couch. After a few weeks of doing that, I discovered two things. One, the living room couch is OK for sitting with visitors for a few minutes, but it isn't right for working. It didn't take long for my back to hurt. Two, I hated lugging my laptop and books up and down the stairs every day. I'm sure everyone else in the house hated seeing me do it, too, considering I have become more prone to falling.

In my still-ongoing job search, I've been looking at work-at-home jobs. One of the requirements the job listings always mention is a separate home office. It made sense to me in that context because most of the positions are for remote call center agents. You don't want the noise of your household seeping through when you are trying to help someone who called a place of business to ask about an order. I never thought I really needed a designated space for homework or doing bills, though. Until M's comment and my recent experience, I clung to the idea that one of the advantages of being at home was that I didn't need to be all prim and proper. I don't have to put on shoes, I can walk around in a t-shirt and shorts every day, and I can sit wherever and however I want. As it turns out, I still want to do my work at a desk.

I am longing for an L-shaped workstation with a hutch on top. I want to turn on my music, settle into my Aeron chair, and bury my head into my studies. I want M to have a comfortable place to practice her instruments when she is home. It would be nice to have a central place to put my books and our bills other than the precarious pile on my bedside table. Does this mean I am turning into a stodgy middle-aged woman? Maybe, but if it makes me more productive, I don't care.

Prepping for fall semester already

One thing I didn't realize before I signed up for classes last fall is that when you are in college, it is on your mind year-round, even during your summer vacation. This fall's semester doesn't start until 19 Aug, but I had to register for classes today (13 Jun). My college has a staggered registration process so I wasn't allowed to officially sign up for classes until two days after the first registration date. That is relatively early compared to other students, but there were still a lot of classes that were close to being filled. Luckily, I was able to get into all the classes I needed except one.

Signing up for classes wasn't without its frustrations. Even though the class information was available online, the bookstore info and financial aid info was not. It would have been nice to have all that info at the same time because I'm trying to fit the cost of tuition and materials within my financial aid allotment. Until I get another job, handling an overage will be tough.

This fall, we will actually have three college students in the family. M will be starting her junior year at Mars Hill and C1 will doing dual enrollment at the same community college I am attending. At least C1's tuition will be free, which is a relief.

Revisiting my teen years on No-Screen Monday

Yesterday was our first No-Screen Monday, an attempt to pull back a little from our constant use of tech as a source of entertainment. This meant no TV, no internet, and no smart phones. I did allow the use of the internet to play music because I never would have gotten through my childhood summers without music.

The purpose for this experiment hasn't been solidified in my mind yet. I realized this when I watched C1 spend the entire day listening to an audio book on her iPod. She effectively isolated herself from the rest of us and waited out the day. I hadn't said that this day without screens was about family bonding, so I couldn't really fuss at her. When I was her age, I spent a lot of time on the other side of the house from my siblings and pursued my own interests, so I certainly understood the urge to do that. Heck, I was done with family togetherness after about an hour myself. Still, it seemed wrong that C1 spent the day that way.

I thought about my teen years a lot yesterday. I kept trying to remember what I did back then when I wanted to look up some information. For instance, the kids and I were playing Dutch Blitz and they wanted to keep score. I couldn't remember the scoring system and the instructions sheet wasn't in the box. The urge to get on the computer and look up the rules was strong. It didn't help that several things I looked at yesterday had URLs or QR codes on them, suggesting that you go to their sites for more information. I guess when I was younger I just wondered about things or waited to see if I could find the info at the library.

One unexpected aspect of this experiment was the change in our energy levels. I was so tired that I wanted to cry at one point. DJ kept saying that I was trying to sleep away the day because I missed being online, but I swear that wasn't the reason. I had been looking forward to turning everything off. I had an audio book, an audio French lesson, and some knitting to keep me busy, yet all I wanted to do was sleep. DJ, on the other hand, was bouncing off the walls. He made short work of the one book I checked out for him and was anxious to play cards with me. He kept joking with his siblings and running around. Perhaps being on the internet calms him down, while it keeps me awake -- a multipurpose drug.

All in all, I think our first No-Screen Monday went well. I just have to remember to print out all the rules for games and any other reference material I need before next Monday.

Instituting a No-Screen Day

Everyone knows that I spend most of my free time on the internet. Although I refuse to call this an addiction, I have been feeling for a while now that I would like to pull back from using the computer as my main source of entertainment. I'm happy that my kids aren't experiencing the boredom and isolation that was part of my childhood, but I think we are all missing out on other activities.

It's not like I don't want to do other things. The time just gets away from me. For instance, I wanted to work on a knitting project yesterday. I went out to the shed first thing in the morning and got the materials and settled myself in a comfortable area. Then I turned on the computer to get the pattern, and that is when everything went pear-shaped. I started looking at other patterns -- just to make sure there wasn't a better one, of course -- and before I knew it, the clock said 10p and I hadn't cast on a single stitch. For months I've been saying that Sundays are my reading days, but it has been a while since I've spent this day reading a book instead of blogs and news articles on the internet.

I'm not the only one in the house that is going through this. C1 tells me all the time that she wants to be a writer, but the only thing I see her writing is posts on Reddit. C2 says that she wants to go to art school after college, but she hardly ever draws anything that isn't for a school assignment. Then there is DJ, who doesn't have any hobbies outside of gaming. None of my kids have experienced what it is like not to have entertainment on demand at home. They have always had access to something to watch or play. Since I know that this is my fault, I am going to do something to rectify it.

Starting tomorrow, every Monday this summer is going to be a No-Screen Day in our house. This means no TV, no internet, no texting, and no video games. I will let the kids play Spotify or other internet streaming radio because our terrestrial radio reception around here is lousy. The kids haven't kicked up much of a fuss yet, probably because they think that I won't be able to go through with it. What they don't realize is that I actually look forward to days when I have no internet, like when our cable goes out or when we are on vacation. Having that option taken away from me makes it much easier for me to pick up a book or do something else, and I hope it is the same for them.

I like the sound of teenagers in my house

Last night C1 had a couple of her friends over to study for an exam. As my three kids and the two friends sat around the table eating dinner, it occurred to me once again that I enjoy having teenagers in the house. Not in a creepy way; I'm not one of those mothers who thinks she is cool enough to hang out with her kids' friends. It just feels really normal to have teenagers socializing in my dining room.

I was beginning to think that the twins' high school years would be just like M's experience. She rarely had any friends over because she didn't make friends in the subdivision and her school friends lived too far away. Thankfully word seems to have gotten out to the parents of C1 and C2's friends that my house is a safe place for kids to hang out for a few hours. I always make sure to check in on what they are doing without hovering too much and feed them a decent meal.

So many people complain about the teenage years, but this time is so much easier on me than when they were younger. Although I think babies are cute, I prefer to admire them from afar. Give me a teenager I can talk to and play cards with any day.

What I learned from making butternut squash soup

Today I made butternut squash soup for the first time. When I say "first time", I'm not only referring to trying this recipe; this is the first time I've ever tasted butternut squash, period. As part of my quest to put more simple and unprocessed food on the table, I'm trying produce that I've never cooked myself or sometimes even eaten before.

When I first moved out on my own, I was a slave to the written recipe. As a kid I didn't stand at my mother's elbow and learn my way around a kitchen because daily cooking for sustenance was a chore to me. The only cooking I enjoyed was following unusual recipes from the cookbooks that fascinated me, usually vintage volumes or books outlining authentic recipes from foreign cuisines such as Chinese or Mexican. Nowadays I still feel more comfortable with a recipe, but more often than not I don't have all the ingredients at hand. So I go on the internet and pull up several versions of the same dish to give me an idea of how to cook it and go from there with what I've got.

I used this same recipe-summary approach to make the butternut squash soup today. Here's the rundown:

--Roasted the squash for 30 minutes in the oven with onions, garlic, and chicken broth.
--Added pumpkin pie spice and ginger.
--Pureed the lot and then simmered on the stove for 30 minutes.
--Added milk and brown sugar.

Unlike the spaghetti squash I made a couple weeks ago, there was nothing I could do to make this soup palatable to me. I should have guessed that I wouldn't like the soup when I didn't like the taste of the plain squash when I took it out of the oven. ABM and the kids don't like it, either, so it will get poured down the drain.

I've learned not to get angry when one of these kitchen experiments fails. Part of the reason we lived on frozen pizzas and hot dogs all these years is that they were safe bets. It frustrated me and ABM both to spend money on spices and fresh ingredients, only to end up throwing the result in the trash because no one would eat it. Now, instead of getting angry, I treat it like a learning experience. We want to eat fewer processed foods, so we have to learn what healthy foods can take the place of the frozen burritos and Lean Cuisines.

It helps that the kids are older. C1, C2, and DJ each cook dinner at least once a week, which takes the burden off of me. I am less annoyed about standing at the stove for so long today (I cooked dinner in addition to fiddling with the butternut squash) because I know that tomorrow night I can get one of them to cook dinner. The kids have grown into teens with more varied palates (other than M, who is my perpetual finicky eater) and they welcome trying new dishes. Out of the five of us still living here, chances are that at least three of us will like a new recipe. This rate of success makes it easier for me to deal with the few failures.

No summer school for me

For those who missed it, I've been taking classes at the local community college. By the end of this semester, I will have finished three classes. Although I could have finished six classes in this time, being unemployed and all, I had some previous student loan debts to clear up so I couldn't get financial aid. This meant that I had to pay for my classes out of pocket. ABM, bless him, felt strongly enough about the path I decided on (computer information technology) that he did everything he could to make sure my tuition and books were paid for. However, after some discussion, we decided that it would be a good idea for me to skip the summer semester and go back in the fall. By the time the Fall 2013 semester rolls around, I should have my old student loan mess cleared away and be able to get a Pell grant to help me with most of my tuition.

The financial burden isn't the only reason I'll be sitting out the summer semester. ABM pointed out that, because my classes are online, I am spending even more time in front of the computer than usual. The three kids still at home are teens now and don't need constant supervision, but ABM would like me to pop my head up more often and get them to do a few more chores around the house. During the school year, I cut them some slack because I don't want them to be staying up all night with chores and homework. However, I usually try to come up with some sort of project for them during the summer and I think ABM is afraid that I won't do that if I have my head bent over the computer struggling with math homework.

Normally, I get defensive when ABM makes comments about how much time I'm spending in front of the computer, but this time I agree with him. Frankly, it was a relief when he suggested that I take a summer break. I've been thinking about directing my limited energy toward projects other than schoolwork, like teaching myself French or doing some more gardening. It doesn't hurt that ABM has been taking more of a "honey over vinegar" approach with me these days. He will never admit it, but there has been a pleasant change in how he interacts with me now that I am trying to move more and make the best of this unemployment period. I think that he mentioned my computer time only because he doesn't want to see me fall back into my old routines, and I can't get mad at him for that.

Mourning can't be rushed

I just watched another TV show (won't tell you which one because I don't want spoil it for anyone) where a character dies and everyone expects the family to be done grieving as soon as the funeral is over. In this case, friends were expressing concern because the widow was crying over his late wife and couldn't sleep in their marriage bed TWO DAYS after the memorial. Seriously?

I know that everything is fast-tracked in a TV show. We all remember watching soap operas with kids that are toddlers this month and suddenly teenagers next month. However, for better or worse,  people take cues from what they see in the media. We are smart enough not to believe the outrageous things we see, but the more subtle things get internalized. ABM chastised himself repeatedly because he couldn't just "man up" a month after his mother died. No matter how often I told him that was unrealistic, he believed the images he saw on TV and the public face that others in his real life put on when they lost family members.

Adjusting to the loss of a loved one is tough. The mourning doesn't end when you come home from the cemetery. Even if you can pull yourself together and go back to work within a week or two, the sadness will hit you at unexpected times. If my house could talk, it would tell you about crying over TV commercials or the hole that one of the kids kicked in the wall or the wailing in the middle of the night. If you think the gnashing of teeth and rending of garments ended in biblical times, you would be wrong. It has been 18 months since we lost ABM's mother and something as simple as a greeting card can bring up memories and make him walk out of the room. Don't let anyone make you think that something is wrong with you because you still feel sad over the death of someone you cared for.