04 February 2007

Sunday Scribblings: Goodbyes

This is going to be a week of goodbyes for me. My current job ends on Friday. Just as with my past jobs, I'm not sad about leaving the work but I will miss the people. There aren't as many people for me to miss on this job as there was on the last one, but I will have a few farewells to say all the same. I try not to get too attached to my coworkers because I always feel like I won't be on a job for very long. All those years as a perpetual office temp must have done that to me. However, I always manage to make one or two friends, no matter how anti-social I try to be.

My biggest fear is that I may also have to say goodbye to my home. ABM is panicking about my ability to find another job and is talking about putting the house up for sale. This house wasn't even my choice, but I will hate to leave it. Not so much for myself, but for the kids. The thought of uprooting them from their school and all their friends makes me sick to my stomach.

Another big goodbye that I am dealing with is saying farewell to my image of myself. I've been trying for the past year to adjust to turning 40. That means that I'm a grown-up, right? Why don't I feel like an adult? At this age, people expect a sense of self-assurance that I don't have yet. I see women on talk shows all the time talking about how great it is to be over 40 because they don't have the insecurities that they had when they were 20-something. I'm still trying to say "so long" to those insecurities but I can't shake them. I'm still looking for someone to take care of me when I should be taking care of myself.
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