Waking up at 4a is becoming a regular occurrence these days, and strange thoughts cross my mind when I do. This morning, it hit me how close I am to my 50th birthday. 50! I'm not ready to be 50, and it has nothing to do with vanity. I'm the sort that doesn't let age dictate what I want to wear, watch, read, or listen to. However, I don't feel like I've accomplished enough to be 50.
Don't get me wrong -- I've know that I've never been very ambitious and I know that put me where I am today, career-wise. Still, the thought of my 70-year-old mother-in-law still driving me around when I'm 50 makes me hang my head in shame. Not only that, but I thought that I would be more confident and sure of myself by this age. Instead, I feel like I am still learning the basics of life: taking care of a home, dressing myself, interacting with others. I've often thought that is why people think that I am younger than 43; I have this air about me that suggests I need to be taught.
Anyway, this is why I don't meditate. Imagine the noise that rises in my brain when everything else is quiet!