31 December 2014

Reflection on the eve of a new year

This morning I woke up with the urge to write an end-of-year blog post. Even though nothing cool happened this year, I still felt that I should reflect on past events and see if there is something I want to focus on in the coming year. That's what adults do, right?

Foremost in my thoughts this year has been work and money. In January, I started a new customer service job that I do from home. I knew within two weeks that it wasn't for me, but I couldn't quit because shortly thereafter ABM lost his job. Not only that, but he was denied unemployment insurance so I've been the sole breadwinner for the first time in our marriage. The stress of it all has made me feel physically weighed down. I don't even want to leave the house most days. However, I have gone from fairly depressed to merely sad and resigned to my fate, which is an improvement.

I'm still taking online classes through the local community college, with the hope that I can transition into some sort of back-office computer job that does not involve me talking to customers. Battling that hope is the fear that all this studying will be for naught and I will be stuck in customer service jobs forever. I'm not sure that I will be able to shake that fear.

I shouldn't put the rest of my life on hold just because I don't like my job, yet that is exactly what I've been doing. Until about a month ago, I haven't been doing much more than sleeping and watching TV on my days off. There has been little to no exercising, needlework, blogging, gardening, or cooking. I've been letting the job suck the joy out of anything else I try to do.

To chase away the dark thoughts, I've been reminding myself of my blessings. The kids are all healthy, M and C1 both have jobs, and we still have a roof over our heads with food in the fridge. Everyone is getting good grades. ABM has managed not to fall into the depression that affects many unemployed people. These are all things to be thankful for, and I am. I need to keep these uppermost in my mind in 2015, and try to find the joy in my life again.

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