18 September 2005

Not my usual Sunday

Both of our vehicles went on strike this week and refused to move. This has been coming for a long time, but ABM has put off having them fixed because we really needed to get a new vehicle that would fit the entire family. Well, the decision was made for him this week when both the car and the van nearly left him stranded on the highway.

Fortunately, God does provide. ABM found a used van in great shape that will meet our needs. His job is offering extra hours, so he has been working mad overtime to pay for the van and a few other bills. He has gone from an 8-hour shift to working 10-12 hours a day, plus working on his days off. This will help us in the short term, but I'm not too sure about the long run. His job security depends a lot on his statistics for things like sales and average call handling time. The more hours that he works a week, the more difficult it is to keep his numbers at an acceptable level.

Hopefully, ABM won't try to keep up this pace for too long. I'm worried about his health because all of his waking hours are being spent at work. Even though customer service isn't manual labor, it is stressful work. He knows that these extra hours will most likely bring back his headaches and insomnia. Still, he feels like this is the only option he has to reduce our debt load. He wants to grab as much overtime as he can while it is available.

I feel like this situation is another test of my ability to be a good "helpmeet" to my husband. In many areas, ABM keeps things moving and I am just along for the ride. I've known for a long time that I don't contribute much to this relationship; I'm more of a dependent than an equal partner for ABM. Every once in a while, though, God throws me a chance to redeem myself. I usually fail miserably because I don't recognize the chance until after it has passed. This time, however, I am going to do my best to make good.

The thing that makes ABM happier than anything else is a well-run house. If he can spend long, miserable hours in a job he hates to pull us through, then the least I can do is give up my comfort in the evenings to make this house a more pleasant place for the little bit of time that he is here. I keep dreaming of the day when I can be a stay-at-home mom again so that I can handle things the way I want, but there has been a soft voice whispering in my ear for quite a while now that says I can't wait for that day. That dream may not be in God's plan for me. I have to sacrifice my comfort. I have to stop being selfish and give up what I think is making me happy to create a better environment for my family.

Notice that I said "what I think is making me happy". It isn't truly satisfying me. All the time that I am sitting on my tuchus in the evenings after work, I'm fretting over what I should be doing and making up excuses for why I'm not doing it. I've convinced myself that if I spent my evenings cleaning and taking care of other household responsibilities I would be a miserable person to live with. Would I truly be any more miserable than I am now? I doubt it. I would much rather think of myself as a baleboosteh than an albatross around ABM's neck.

Anyway, that's enough navel-gazing for one week. Those that know the words of prayer, pray muchly for us and I'll do the same for you :-).
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