Lately, I find myself playing the "dancing Negro" in my Bible study group, which is full of white people. I've been the only black girl in many social situations for ages. I've never even had a black best friend. So I don't understand why, in this particular group, I feel the need to use more black slang and utter phrases like, "You know how you white folks do"? WTF?
I didn't even notice I was doing this until yesterday. M and I met the group for pizza. I forgot what time we were supposed to meet other than after church, so I showed up at 1p. Well, the rest of the group met at 12n. Instead of just saying I was confused about the time, I said,"I forgot that you white folks get out of church early. I was going on CP time." Everyone laughed, and one of the girls replied, "I have a black coworker who says that all the time." Again, WTF? I know she wasn't trying to offend me, but I immediately felt like the minstrel there for everyone's amusement.
Why am I acting like this? I don't even use black slang when I am with other black people. I've never used the phrase "CP time", not even with my husband. The masks I don are all aspects of me, but they are never based on race. I usually just bring someone like Dani the Music Lover to the forefront and leave all the other Danis at home. I don't know where Minstrel Show Dani came from, but she needs to go back.
Perhaps I'm acting like this because I am having trouble finding my way in. I'm older than everyone in the group by 10 years so I can't play the hip young thing. Telling jokes and flirting with the boys would be wrong on several levels :-). They're all stricter Christians than I am, so discussing media (TV, movies, music) is pretty much out. I like these people but I don't have much to say to them. So I guess that's why I trotted out the sassy old black woman act. Hopefully I can switch masks without them noticing too much. Of course, I have to find a new mask first.
2 comments:
Is it bad that I also found your comments to the group funny.
Still being/feeling out of place is normal I hang out all day with Muslim, Hindi, and devote Christian guys who all happen to be science/engineering students. I must walk a fine line with my jokes and talking TV is also completely off limits.
I sometimes watch The Jeffersons and think each episode is brilliant but would never dare to quote the show in these days.
It's not us but the rest of the world who would prefer a mask over a real face with real opinions.
Hey there neighbor! I've actually wondered how people must feel when they're the only one of their race/age/sex/etc in a group. It doesn't help when you're shy. I'm def. more shy, but I've learned if I keep my mouth shut all the time, nobody ever gets a chance to know me. And I guarantee the only reason she said that was because she felt like she had to respond and didn't know what else to say. haha Can't wait to see which Dani comes next week! :) Anyways, glad I found your blog! See you soon!
Post a Comment