This is a week where diet and exercise are in the forefront of my mind. I mean, I always give a passing thought to the idea that I should exercise more, especially when I am trying to find something to wear to work in the morning. However, the subject will be in my face this week as ABM is preparing to have bariatric surgery on Thursday.
It has been a long journey for him to get this surgery approved by his insurance company, so it didn't feel real to me until last week. I'm not worried about complications because I am sure that the surgery will go well. Selfishly, I am more worried about how this will affect our marriage. ABM has never been cruel enough to criticize me about my weight, but it is not a secret that he prefers women who are a size 16 over my current size 24. He also gets frustrated when I can't keep up with everyone else in activities that involve a lot of walking. What will happen when he gets healthy and slim and I'm still fat? He's a loyal guy, but will he be tempted to trade me in for a thinner model? Worse than that, would he stay out of a sense of commitment but be miserable?
I started exercising two weeks ago to try to get a head start on ABM. I know that getting in shape to hold onto a man is a shallow reason to start a fitness program, but none of the traditional reasons have motivated me. "Exercise is showing respect for yourself, less weight will keep you alive longer for your family" -- blah, blah, blah. That's all very true but I can't wrap my head around it well enough to be inspired. What inspires me? Being able to buy clothes in a normal store instead of paying extra for plus-size garments. Having my husband smile when I walk into a room. Fitting into a seat on an airplane. If exercising will bring that all back, then I don't care about how shallow it sounds.
So I'm back to tracking my exercise on SparkPeople. This is part of my fitness roller-coaster ride. Several studies show that keeping a journal with what you eat and how much you exercise helps you lose more weight. However, as soon as I start keeping a journal, I get disgusted with it because I hate focusing so much on food and exercise. I don't like thinking about, agonizing about, and feeling guilty about what I did or didn't eat each day. I'll keep a journal for about two weeks and then I'll drop the whole thing and go back to lazy, junk-food eating ways. I don't know why I keep going back to journaling. I guess it is part of my desire to do something the "proper" way. Also, with exercise I feel like it didn't happen if I don't write it down. Perhaps I will just post about the exercise this time around and see how that works.