In my effort to improve my writing, I am participating in Sunday Scribblings. This week's prompt was to write about first love:
My first love was a nerve-wracking affair. He was older than he should have been, a college freshman paired with my 15-year-old self. My carriage was that of an older girl, so the age difference wasn't obvious at first glance. Still, I knew that there was a gap in our experience levels and I struggled whenever we were with his friends not to embarrass myself. There were many times that I felt he was silently chuckling at my mistakes. The moments we spent alone, however, made my discomfort worthwhile.
My first love wasn't a classically handsome man, but I caught my breath every time he walked into a room. And the letters he wrote while he was away! The language in those missives would surely have caused the mother of a 15-year-old great concern if they had gotten into her hands. Luckily, my immaturity did not give me a lack of discretion.
My first love didn't last long, a year or a little longer. Unlike most young lovers, I didn't expect us to be together forever. I knew I wasn't ready for him, and the stress of trying to grow up faster took its toll on me. I ended up the way he told me I would on our last date: married with a house full of kids, still living in the same town where I grew up. I'm happy with my life, but I wouldn't want him to see me like this. If he ever thinks of me, I want him to envision me in a city far from here, experiencing everything that 15-year-old girl had only read about.
4 comments:
Love that first sentence, "My first love was a nerve-wracking affair." Most of us can identify with that! Lovely post.
Interesting post, struck that you wouldn't want him to see your life as is right now. Wondered if part of you wants to see you too again through the lens of possibilities of your 15 year old self? And if theres gifts in that for you now too, to remember that possibilities still abound for us all at every age. George Eliot said, "You are never too old to be what you might have been!"
I too had a first love that was an older man (23 to my 15). I often cringe to think about what he must have been thinking to be involved with a girl so young. Fortunately, the relationship ended before we crossed any line too fragile to repair. And yet, the experience helped make me who I am today so there must have been purpose in it. I think perhaps the contentment you have in your life now may owe just a tiny bit to that older man and the "nerve wracking" affair. It's exciting for awhile, but who wants to live like that forever?
Your post makes me wonder whether true love can be nerve-wracking. I was at one time interested in a girl and we went out once or twice but there was just never any peace. We kept trying to impress each other afraid that if we failed things wouldn't work out. Needless to say, they didn't.
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