Lack of organization and a real schedule is something I am still struggling with. Sometimes I think I should face the fact that my life doesn't have much structure, but then I realize that ABM wouldn't be happy with that. In his mind, life is about always trying harder. Constantly striving to be better is tiring to me. When do we get to the point where we can say, "This is good. I'm fine with where I am"? Putting it all on ABM isn't quite fair because I feel bad about the way things are going, too. I don't like the fact that my husband and kids look at me as someone who doesn't finish anything.
What exactly am I trying to accomplish? Strangely enough, housework is not high on the list. Now that the kids are older and can help with chores, cleaning house isn't the main thing I'm worried about. I'm not saying my house is immaculate, but the clutter hovers at a tolerable level most of the time. I'm sure that ABM wouldn't agree with me, but as I said he is always aiming for perfection.
I need a workable schedule for all the things I want to do. Here's my current list:
--Post regularly on my three blogs and hopefully make some money from them
--Do needlework and other crafts
--Look for work
You may notice that three of the things on the list (reading, playing games, and crafting) are necessary for me to accomplish the first thing on my list because if I'm not doing anything, then I don't have anything to blog about. Job hunting is probably the most important task on my list, yet if I don't start exercising more I may not be healthy enough to work because I need to do something to fight all the stiffness and fatigue I am feeling. Even knowing how important the various items on this list are, I still find myself distracted by random fluff like reading celebrity gossip on the internet and watching trashy reality shows on TV.
Although I have fantasized about being able to stay home all day and do what I want instead of having a full-time job, I'm not using this time to my benefit. These aimless days make me feel as sick as a kid who has eaten too much junk at the county fair. I need to get better at imposing limits on myself because I know that I will feel better if I accomplish something with this time that I have.