This week, I chose to use a previous Poetry Thursday prompt that suggested finding inspiration from a single line of poetry. I read a poem on the Sunday School Rebel blog recently about pet names. A line in it made me want to write a poem of my own. The line was "and our names have fallen away". In the original poem this was a sign of the couple's intimacy, but it felt sad to me. At first I was just going to go with that feeling, but then I challenged myself to work the actual line into my poem.
This poem is a bit different that what I started with a few days' ago. Samantha, the author of the Sunday School Rebel, confirmed my suspicion that my first draft strayed away from the mood her original line conjured for me. So I scrapped everything but the first stanza and did a rewrite. If anyone would like to see the first draft for a comparison, let me know in the comments and I will post it.
Do You Know Who I Am?
We've been together so long
That we barely glance at each other
And our names have fallen away
Which seems so wrong.
We pass each other in hallways
And trade chore lists,
Settled in the mundane details
Of intertwined lives.
Our names have been replaced with
"Can you?" and
"Would you?" and
"Come here, please."
We've abandoned many niceties
For the sake of
Easy companionship
But my name on your lips
Is what I miss the most.
--Dani Sanders, 06 July 2006
7 comments:
Oh, that's lovely. Makes you stop and think about taking your spouse for granted. Thank you for posting this.
Yes, we all want that easy, uncomplicated intimacy, but then it can become too easy, too uncomplicated . . . .
So true, unfortunately.
I especially like the first three lines:
"We've been together so long
That we barely glance at each other
And our names have fallen away"
Those lines set up the rest of the poem nicely.
I'd love to read the first draft!
Jan: I posted the first draft so you can tell me what you think.
Lynn: I think it was good for me to try to stick with the mood, if only to discipline myself. I've never worked at my poetry. Whatever flowed out of my pen in the first draft was sacred in my mind. I wanted to prove to myself that the first thing that came out of my pen wasn't always right. I probably failed because I went ahead and posted the first draft!
The poem is lovely, if a bit sad. I try never to take even a moment for granted - life is too fragile and our time too short.
I find that so poignant, bittersweet. It touches something deep in me.
Ooooh...I do like this second draft. Yes, I do.
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