I still feel attached to the first draft of my Poetry Thursday offering, so I am posting it. Feel free to share what is wrong with either one of them. Samantha suggested that I was trying too hard to make the poem fit within a certain structure in this draft. I lost the feeling of the first stanza.
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We've been together so long
That we barely glance at each other each day
And our names have fallen away
Which seems so wrong.
How does my name feel on your tongue?
Does it luxuriate in your mouth
Before making its way south
To your lungs, demanding to be sung?
Or do you spit my name out
Like a bitter taste
Letting its power go to waste
Instead of using its clout?
There's no end to what you might get
If you whispered it in my ear
Instead of just calling me "dear"
But you haven't tried it yet.
4 comments:
Hmmmm. I like both versions but I'm leaving toward this one. It's sassier, just a different flavor.
I like the end rhymes and the last stanza especially.
Try this. Put them away for a month and then revisit them and see how you feel about both of them.
i love the second stanza!
Thanks for your comment on my blog - i loved reading your stuff - looking forward to getting back here and reading more good writing.
Btw my ABM stands for Able-Bodied Man - a little silly really ... :)
Oh dear. Now I sound like a critic, and I do hate that...as I really don't know what I'm doing but it was just a feeling I had...anyway, both do convey that scary part of a relationship where we easily take each other for granted...and that's something to think about!
I do like January's idea to put both away for a month and see how what works then. A very good idea!
And it makes me so happy that something I wrote inspired someone else...that is a gift! I will remember it on my cloudy days...
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